What Not To Do For Valentine’s Day

7 Feb

Dear Husband / Boyfriend / Lover / Friend with Benefits,

I know Valentine’s Day is around the corner, and you’re probably thinking, “oh boy, what am I going to get her this year. I can’t forget it like I did last year – that didn’t work out so well for me.” Well let me just stop you right there. Here’s a cheat sheet, if you will. Please, by all means, follow along.

1) Don’t buy me flowers. You’ll spend 3x as much just because it’s hokey Valentine’s Day. You know how I like a bargain. Wait until Feb 16th and surprise me with something special, like peonies. They’ll cost less, and with the money you save you can stop and pick up milk at the store – we’re out, FYI.

2) Don’t get me chocolates. If there’s one thing I do NOT want, it’s chocolates. I can buy my fat ass chocolate whenever I choose, on my 14 trips a week to Target. I don’t find it romantic. It doesn’t say “honey, you’re so sweet.” It says “I was at the Rite Aid and the dude in front of me was buying Russel Stover’s and I realized I hadn’t gotten you anything.”

3) Don’t you dare bring any heart-holding stuffed animal into this house. If you do, you might find that stuffed animal in your tailpipe on Feb 15th. I don’t need a constant fuzzy reminder that I hold the key to your heart. We’re married. I better! Even chocolate is better than this.

4) Don’t buy me heart shaped jewelry. I don’t care what Jane Seymour says about her “Open Hearts” collection. I don’t buy it, and you shouldn’t either. No necklace is ensuring that you’ll be able to let love in. Unless it’s the Hope Diamond, maybe.

5) For the love of God, don’t show up with one of those silly “Couples Coupon Books.” You know, the ones where I can tear coupons out and redeem them for things like emptying the dishwasher, and doing laundry. You know, the things you’re supposed to be helping with anyway, as a 21st Century “EQUAL” partner in this thing called mawwwiage. If I have to trade in a cutesy coupon to get some help around here I might go crazy. As in, more crazy than I already am.

6) I don’t want lingerie. I’d far prefer a handbag. I promise if you get me the Marc Jacobs one I want I’ll hold it briefly while only wearing my knickers. Lingerie is not a gift for a lady. It’s a gift for a man, masquerading as a gift for a lady. Got it?

Anything else, dear, is fair game.

xoxo,

______________________

_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

(tear along dotted line, sign, and address to your loved one)

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3 Responses to “What Not To Do For Valentine’s Day”

  1. Chris Bro February 7, 2012 at 1:10 pm #

    woo and hoo. Six pack of beer

  2. Simplify by Sara February 7, 2012 at 1:38 pm #

    A gift on a Tuesday for no reason at all is always so much better ~ Valentine’s Day is for Amateurs

  3. Morris Cattus February 7, 2012 at 5:39 pm #

    Well said.

    Of course you wrote this missive with the absolute knowledge that your Hubby loves you absolutely. Those gifts you mention are used by many to assuage fears that the love is gone or make make up for 364 days of bad behavior – like is done in a confessional. “Yes dear – say you love me five times, buy me roses and chocolates and lingerie (my lover will love that) and lots of jewelery and I’ll let you ignore me for another year.”

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