Tag Archives: Andy Cohen

Sooo out of my element…

12 Oct

Every time I hear a Southern accent I cringe slightly. And every time I hear a northern one my ears perk up as I try to locate the source. That’s been my week, in a nutshell.

I know it will get easier. I know it will get better. Transition is hard on everyone, and certainly aggravated with a two year old in tow, who is also feeling a bit displaced and confused. We spent every morning this week with him shrieking, “No like school!! No want to go!! No, mommmmmmmy!!” It was heartbreaking. This is a kid who’s always loved going to daycare. He loved his teachers, he loved his friends. He would race me inside the school every morning, and then practically push me out the door because he was a “big boy” who didn’t need his mama. Talk about disruption to our lives… this isn’t easy on ANY of us.

I spent a lot of this week thinking about the things I took for granted living in New York. Things like:

  • General sophistication that comes with a New York state of mind. Not that people here aren’t “sophisticated” in their own right. It’s just… different. Any New Yorker will know exactly what I mean. Are we elitist? Yup. No question. Are we apologetic for it? Nope.
  • Access to things that other people just don’t have. Like being able to sit in on a taping of “Watch What Happens Live” with Andy Cohen. Or sitting next to Richard Gere in a local restaurant. Or being in the audience for a VH1 Storytellers concert. Or getting to see the inner workings of Dan Barber’s kitchen at Blue Hill at Stone Barns. I know that sounds very “celebutante” of me, but it’s true! Those experiences are SO New York.
  • The narrow, uneven back roads. The Saw Mill Parkway. The Merritt. Seriously, the roads down here are in perfect condition, they are super wide, and it’s a breeze driving anywhere. You could probably do it with your eyes closed. But isn’t there something sort of charming about winding up the Saw Mill? I never thought about it until I wasn’t doing it anymore. And yep, I miss those twists and turns and dangerously narrow lanes.
  • Relatively easy access into creative communities. I clearly need to find my way, and figure out where the creatives hang out and work and play, but for now I’m just a little bit missing my smarty pants peeps who inspire me, make me laugh and teach me new stuff.

Hmmph. Today the North Carolina State Fair opened. This is apparently the biggest deal in the world to North Carolinians. We are thinking about hitting it up this weekend, so be on the lookout for a post about fried soda, pig races and pie contests. In the meantime, go out and enjoy New York… grit, grime, bad attitudes and all. And take me with you in spirit…

What I’ve Learned From The Real Housewives.

23 Oct

Andy Cohen's got the 411.

  1. It’s very bourgeois to drive yourself. Unless you are driving to the plastic surgeon. Or you live in Atlanta, or New Jersey – those Housewives have a product placement deal with Range Rover. If you’re in Beverly Hills, or New York, you better call up your local livery because it’s all about being driven around while you drink champagne, check your Google Alerts, and gossip-text your BFF.
  2. Housewives should eat out as often as possible, in high-visibility restaurants. But don’t ever eat. Sure, order food. It’s the appropriate thing to do to order something and have it placed in front of you, so as to appear human. But that $42 salad should go untouched. Just move the leaves around a bit and call it a day.
  3. Nothing is sacred. That means feel free to share your sex doings with the world, bash your friends in print, and wear a bathing suit (or 12) in front of the camera.
  4. Family portraits should be taken 6 times a year. Be certain to color coordinate the children to the living room, the living room to the in-laws, and the in-laws to the dog. And never, NEVER sit on the same couch twice.
  5. Holiday gatherings serve two purposes: To (1) stand in your new kitchen and brag about how quickly you’ve managed to rise out of bankruptcy, and (2) to show off how tall a tower you can make out of cannolis.
  6. It’s perfectly acceptable to be a mean girl. In fact, it’s a requirement. Don’t ever forget it. (Bitch.)
  7. The fact that someone is sitting 2.5 feet away from you should never deter you from talking smack about them. It’s a plus! At least if they’re within earshot, you won’t have to wait impatiently for the gossip mill to get to work. Consider it the most efficient method!
  8. Sunglasses should cost no less than $25,000. I mean really. Who needs college funds for their children? If you don’t protect your eyes by encrusting them in diamonds so as to repel the sun’s rays, you won’t be able to “see” them graduate anyway!
  9. Teenage daughters may be evil, but when they disrespect you on national TV, it’s recommended to buy them a new car. You know what they say…keep your friends close, keep your lazy, disrespectful teen out of the house, driving her drunk friends around in a brand new automobile. And when all else fails, throw her a big, lavish party.
  10. Speaking of parties, make sure to ALWAYS stir the family drama pot when hosting or attending a family gathering. Nothing is more genuine than the apologies that come after fists (or wine glasses) are thrown. Get it out! Air those grievances!
  11. Sing it, sister. Sure, you can’t hold a tune to save your life. But you know what? That’s got absolutely NOTHING to do with being a singer. Convince the hubby of your future in pop stardom, and introduce him to your partner – Auto-tune. Lalalalalalalalala!